How does an emotional affair begin?

For Jenna, it all started when she finally created an Instagram account. Jenna’s friends had been asking her to set up an account for years, however, she was intimidated by large numbers of  followers her friends had and felt she wouldn’t have as many. You can see that Jenna’s feelings of low self-worth were there before she even created the first post. Jenna finally set up an account, adding old friends from high school, family, neighbors, and some current friends of her and her husband, Tony.

in just a few weeks,  she had reconnected with most of her old high school friends.  Her previous boyfriend Allen, was one of these new connections.

Jenna found herself spending hours looking at posted pictures of  Allen and his family. She began comparing him to her husband, Tony.  In her eyes, Allen had taken care of himself and was successful, while Tony had led himself go, and become complacent with his appearance and his desire to move forward in his career. The more Jenna compared Tony to Allen, the more she discovered things about Tony that she didn’t like.

Jenna decided to send Allen a private message, asking how he was. She convinced herself it was all innocent. When Allen responded that he was excited to connect with her and started reminiscing about their past, Jenna felt herself swept away by memories she thought she had long forgotten.

Jenna told Allen things about her family, even Tony, telling herself that by talking about her husband she was maintaining a safe boundary.

Before Jenna realized it their messaging went from once a week, to daily,  to all day, everyday.

They interactions seemed fairly innocent as they talked about their families, their kids, their jobs, and they struggles of married life. As the days and weeks progressed, their messages became more intimate. They became better friends. Suddenly, they realized they knew alot about each other, they became best friends.

It wasn’t long before they both believed that their love was rekindled.

They talked about how bad their marriages were and how they both felt stuck. They talked about how their feelings for each other were growing, but both agreed they couldn’t “act” on it. They didn’t realize that they already had..

One day when Jenna left her phone on the table and Tony saw a message from Allen pop up.

Tony clicked on the message and suddenly saw ten months of daily dialogue between Jenna and Allen.

As Tony read through the messages, he felt shocked and betrayed. He was very hurt by the things Jenna said about him. Did she really see him this way?  Was this who he had become? He cried as he read through the messages, and  he realized not only how in love Jenna was with Allen,  but how lonely she was in their marriage.

Recovering from the emotional affair

Jenna and Tony decided that they wanted to work on their relationship. They did not want this to destroy their marriage.  They decided to see marriage counseling and committed to put in the work to save their marriage and family.

Working with a therapist, they realized certain things had to happen in order for them to recover.

The first was Jenna had to cut ties with Allen immediately.

Second, Jenna and Tony were guided in how to  work on meeting each other’s needs. The therapist helped them implement small things into their marriage to help them feel connected.

Connecting in small ways helped meet Jenna’s deep need for more frequent communication and affection that Tony did not even realize she was desperate for.  This began to build a deep, emotional connection between them that they had long ago lost.

Jenna learned that Tony needed more words of affirmation from her,  This was hard for her but her compliments became genuine as they became more emotionally connected.

Nurturing the Marriage

In learning how to nurture their marriage, they set other boundaries to protect against future affairs and to re-build trust in their relationship

It took time, but Tony came to completely forgive Jenna, and Jenna regained his trust.

If your marriage has been effected by an emotional affair, please reach out for help. Our therapists are ready to help!