Who Am I?

by Susan Amaya | Mar 9, 2025 | Boundaries, Relationships

Who am I?

Codependency is the tendency to put others needs before your own. Do you find yourself accommodating others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs? Does your self-esteem depend largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else, or for many others? Do you often ask yourself, “Who am I?” Every person who has any contact with at least one other human falls on the codependent scale in some way. The scale is vast, ranging from complete dependence on others to complete independence. The scale can change frequently dependent on how healthy your relationships are and what outside events are happening in your life. Those who depend on no one look around and wonder how to enjoy a healthy relationship; their world has revolved around being totally independent. These people often say, ” I need no one”. We are not made to be an island, everyone needs someone. Codependents look around and wonder where they can find themselves; their worlds revolved around others and have no idea where their true self has gone.

Who Am I? Take a few moments to truthfully answer the following questions:

Have there been times in your life that you have neglected yourself?
Do people often tell you how thoughtful you are?
Is it sometimes hard for you to make decisions? Do you find you sometimes have a difficult time knowing what you want? Or where you want to go in life?
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Have you ever felt like you’d finally have peace if the people in your life would get their act together?
Do you spend a large amount of your thinking time about other people’s problems and needs?
Have you ever been in a relationship (romantic or not) where you felt addicted to the other person?
Are you drawn to people who need help, but have a hard time receiving help from others?
When you make a point to be thoughtful, have you found yourself angry or discouraged if people don’t respond the way you hoped?
Do you find yourself focusing more on what you do rather than who you are?
Do you find yourself getting frustrated at the people you lead or care for?
Do you find it very hard to confront others when the need arises? Do you avoid conflict?
Doing for others what they should be doing for themselves?
Do you feel a sense of purpose when you’re helping someone?
Do you help shield people from the consequences of their bad decisions?
Have you found yourself putting up with people mistreating you or taking advantage of you?

Don’t Lose Heart! Change ‘Who Am I?” to “I Know Who I Am”

Don’t get discouraged if you answered “yes” to some, or even most, of these questions. As stated earlier, every person falls on the codependent scale; however there is a “sweet spot” when considering dependence in relationship. It is very healthy to have a mutual caring and giving in a friendship, marriage, or even business partnership; there is always possibility for relationship to become off balance, and for the mutuality to stop. There are many areas that relationship can become unbalanced: emotionally, financially, sexually, physically, and even spiritually. For example, an unexpected event happens and a spouse who must care for the other . Should an accident or crippling illness occur, one must provide, comfort and tend to the other who is in no position to reciprocate.

Any time one person gives more than the other there is the potential for the giver to feel resentful, taken advantage of, lonely, depressed, angry, or neglected. Those struggling with neglecting themselves while caring for others often feel in a stuck; part of them loves giving and being needed, as the other part of them feels trapped into caregiving and providing.

It is possible for you to enjoy your relationship with others and find satisfaction in life.

If you find yourself asking, “who am I?” If you would like to start on your own path to self-discovery, freedom, and fulfilling relationships please contact us to schedule an appointment. We can help you learn how to navigate healthier relationships and find who you really are.

WHO AM I?

Who Am I?

Effective Communication

by Susan Amaya | Jun 5, 2024 | Relationships

Effective communication is essential for building a strong and lasting relationship, particularly in romantic partnerships that are closely intertwined. Understanding each other’s communication styles and practicing assertive, respectful, and compassionate communication can enhance the connection between partners, prevent conflicts, and strengthen the bond over time. Below are some different communication techniques that can help improve the resilience and connection in your relationship.

1. Active Listening

When people engage in conversation, their focus is often on formulating their next response or preparing to counter the other person’s argument. This pattern frequently leads to misunderstandings and the potential for conflicts to intensify.

Couples who practice active listening can enhance their communication skills, leading to more effective interactions. Active listening requires full attention and understanding of your partner’s words.

Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention and refraining from preparing a response in your mind. Instead, truly engage with their thoughts and emotions. Demonstrate your attentiveness through nods and encouraging phrases like “I understand” or “Tell me more”.

By actively listening, you show your partner that you respect their perspective and are willing to understand where they are coming from. This leads to fewer misunderstandings and creates a safe environment for meaningful conversations as a couple to address any issues when they arise.

Example:

Does this ever happen in your conversations?

Partner 1: “I don’t understand why you don’t want to come with to the beach with my family.”

Partner 2: “I’m really busy at work, and I have already missed from being sick. It stresses me out to take more time off. I’m concerned about our bills and losing my job if I miss too much.”

Partner 1: “You’re always putting work first, before our relationship, before everything.”

Partner 2: “That’s not true or fair. I went with you to the family reunion last month, because it was important to you, even though I had to take PTO.”

In this example, Partner 1 is not actively listening to Partner 2 because they are quick to dismiss Partner 2’s concerns about missing work and risking their job. Partner 2, on the other hand, is focusing on their own perspective rather than trying to understand what Partner 1 is saying. A better way to approach this conversation would be for Partner 1 to listen to Partner 2’s concerns about work, and for Partner 2 to try to see things from Partner 1’s perspective about the importance of spending time with family.

2. Express Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.

Empathy is one of the most important components of effective communication. When your partner expresses their concerns or feelings, be intentional in trying to understand their perspective. Validate their emotions by acknowledging how they feel. Without empathy, we feel dismissed.

Example:

Saying “I can understand why that upset you” or “I would feel the same way if I were in your position” will help your partner feel heard and supported. Empathy fosters a deeper connection and helps in resolving conflicts more effectively. When one partner is able to understand and appreciate the other’s perspective, the bond between the couple grows stronger.

3. “I” Statements

Sometimes, couples have trouble communicating authentically with each other because they use blame or attack language. This can cause escalation of already tense situations or hurt feelings.

Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can make a significant difference in communication. “You” statements can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive.

On the other hand, “I” statements express your feelings without blaming or attacking your partner.

Example:

Does this sound familiar?

Partner 1: “You’re always leaving dishes in the sink. This kitchen is a mess!”

Partner 2: “That’s not true, I clean up when I use the kitchen.”

Partner 1: “Well this morning left your dishes in the sink again.”

Partner 2: “Can you give me a break. I had a doctors appointment early this morning.”

In this example, both partners are using “you” statements that put each other on the defensive. If Partner 1 were to use an “I” statement, the conversation may go differently.

For example, instead of Partner 1 saying, “You’re always leaving the kitchen a wreck,” He could say, “I feel frustrated when I come home and the kitchen is a mess.” This allows Partner 2 to understand the impact their actions have on Partner 1 without feeling attacked or defensive.

4. Take a Time Out

Sometime emotions run high and you are no longer able to express yourself or hear what your partner is saying. This is called flooding and when you reach this point it is time to take a break. Continuing when you are flooded is opening the door for more hurtful words and it ultimately causes destruction.

When emotions are high, wisdom is low! This is true in all situations. This is your signal that it is time to take a break, cool down and gather your thoughts. It is helpful to come up with a phrase that indicates the need for a break. It is imperative that both partners respect this request for a time out. Refusing to allow your partner to take time is a form of emotional abuse, and it is bullying behavior.

When you have had time to calm down, come back together to discuss the issue.

Taking a time-out prevents arguments from escalating and allows both partners to approach the conversation with a clearer and calmer perspective. It is crucial to remind each other that it’s always about resolving the issue, not winning the argument.

Example:

Consider the following scenario:

Partner 1: “I can’t believe you forgot our date night again.”

Partner 2: “I didn’t forget. I just have a lot going on and it slipped my mind.”

Partner 1: “You always justify everything. You never make our relationship a priority.”

Partner 2: “That’s not true. I wish you understood that I’m really busy.”

In this example, the argument is becoming heated, and both partners are becoming defensive. One or both partners need to take a time-out to cool down and process their thoughts. A time-out would allow them to come back to the conversation when they are both in a better head space.

Effective communication is crucial for a healthy and happy relationship. By practicing active listening, using “I” statements, expressing empathy, and taking time-outs, couples can build better communication skills and strengthen their relationship. Communication effort and practice throughout our entire lifetime, but it’s always worth it. Practicing these effective communication techniques, couples can create a stronger connection and improve the quality of their relationship.

If your relationship is facing communication challenges, consider making an appointment with one of our relationship specialists.

Attachment Styles Determine our Relationships

by Susan Amaya | Sep 18, 2022 | Freedom, Mental Health, Overcoming Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Attachment styles determine our relationships.In early childhood attachments form and subsequently set the stage for who we choose in romantic relationships. However, not only our romantic relationships are determined by our attachment style, all of our relationships are. Therefore it is important to learn about our attachment styles so we can have more secure and happy life.

Attachment styles are passed down through generations

Attachment styles are passed down through generations of families. We spend most of our childhood with parents, grandparents or whomever raises us; therefore, their attachment styles pass down to us.

A secure attachment style forms through the healthy bond between children and their caregivers. The caregivers meet their children’s needs and therefore the child forms healthy expectations about their world and the people in it.

This outlook has a significant impact on many other areas of the child’s life; from how willing they are to explore their environment, to how they socialize with other children and adults, and even to how they behave in adult relationships.

The attachment style a of child develops by the age of two, so it is important to understand that once the attachment style is set, behavior patterns are established. These behavior patterns can be changed but unfortunately, only three out of four people will ever seek help to make changes. We can take action to heal an insecure attachment and as a result ensure that we don’t pass on the same traits to future generations.

However, attachment styles and behavior patterns can be changed with realization and healing. When we understand how our attachment styes determine our relationships, we can make positive change and as a result future generations do not have to carry on destructive behavior patterns. The trauma from previous generations can be stopped!

There are four adult attachment styles that determine our relationships:

Anxious, also referred to as Preoccupied.
Avoidant, also referred to as Dismissive.
Disorganized, also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant
Secure, otherwise known as healthy

Your attachment style does not have to be resolute. You can learn to attach more securely by overcoming deep-rooted attachment issues,and consequently reducing the impact of insecurities, and childhood trauma

In the next post, we will learn about the different types of attachment and how each attachment style determines our relationships.

Relationships and Core Needs

by Susan Amaya | Nov 15, 2018 | Marriage, Relationships

The key to a successful relationship lies in our willingness to meet each others core needs. If we are unable to meet each others needs, the relationship cannot thrive. Unmet needs lead to our relationships becoming problem focused and the love that brought us together begins to take a back seat. This leads us to having a negative perspective of our relationship; slowly bringing disconnect.

What are core needs?

Core needs in marriage consist of feeling safe with each other, loving and respecting each other. To feel safe with each other, you take care of and provide comfort to one another. You create a home, have financial security, mutual trust, mutual honesty, protect one another physically, mentally and emotionally, and create an abuse-free environment within the marriage. Mutual love is an obvious requirement to have a marriage that operates from this level. Kindness, compassion, companionship, intimacy, affection and sex are also important factors here. When all or most of these needs are being met mutual respect for each other comes naturally. Spouses can support each other to reach respective goals. Each can sacrifice their own needs, to a healthy degree, for the bigger picture. Thee couples have maturity, they maintain a healthy balance and each feels a sense of fulfillment in life.

Disagreements will happen

All couples have disagreements; that is inevitable. When we are going through those hard times we have to remind ourselves of the reasons we fell in love with our partner and the things we admire about them. It is crucial to be willing to accept their flaws, just as we want them to accept ours. When we stay in a state of criticism, negativity dominates and begins to overshadow our positive memories and feelings. Think of your relationship and the things you can do to begin to get back on track. How do we get back on track when we have gone over the cliff? I will talk about that in my next post on communication!