After the Divorce

by Susan Amaya | Jan 18, 2019 | Divorce, Freedom, Marriage

The Aftermath of Divorce

The aftermath of divorce can leave even the strongest person reeling. Divorce often brings new worries, responsibilities and self-doubts. Many of these changes can bring on a sense of overwhelm and even bitterness. Recovery takes a conscious effort so that you can move on with a fulfilling life full of purpose.

Losses Must be Grieved

It’s important to understand that regardless of the circumstances surrounding a divorce, there is grieving to be done. Some things are tangible losses and others are not as easy to identify, like time away from children when they are with the other parent or the loss of the dream of growing old together. It’s important not to bury these feelings and forgo the grieving process. It’s necessary for healing. But it’s equally important not to become your own worst enemy and allow yourself to become stuck in a pit of bitterness.

Support is Important

In order to navigate the grief process and move away from resentment and bitterness, you must have a strong support system in place. Friends and family often mean well, but they can also unknowingly encourage the negativity often associated with divorce. Seeking professional help or a support group can help move you from bitterness to purpose. Rediscovering your identity will be a vital component of your recovery. Remember the positive qualities that make you unique.Forgiveness will also be part of the process. For you to gain freedom from the past, you have to forgive. Life can look and feel very different post divorce. A divorce is painful, but you do not have to stay in that dark place.

Love Languages

by Susan Amaya | Dec 12, 2018 | Freedom, Honesty, Marriage

Love Languages. These two words are tossed around when talking about marriage and relationships. Yet, we often do not give our partner’s love language the attention required. Why are love languages so important? Because our love language is the way we are wired to receive love.

It is rare that partners share the same love language. Knowing and speaking your partner’s love language opens up the doors of communication and can literally take your love to a whole new level. Think about what is important to you. Does it make you happier to have your hand held in public, or to receive a gift? Are you most content when you share time together doing a hobby or when having sex? More than likely, you spend your time with your partner doing the things that make you happy. Consider that their answers to those questions are the exact opposite of yours. Imagine if your spouse knew the answers to those and other questions about your inner being? What if they knew the things that made you the happiest? Imagine if you were privy to the same things about them. There would be less mind reading, less trying with no success, and less frustration. Learning each others love language takes time and effort on both parts. But, this is one of the easiest and most practical ways to increase happiness in marriage.

Gary Chapman is the author of The 5 Love Languages. I challenge you to go over to his site and take the free quiz. I promise it is time well spent and you just may turn things around quicker than you thought possible. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Communication is Important

by Susan Amaya | Nov 22, 2018 | Accountability, Honesty, Marriage

When core needs are not met in a relationship, conflict increases. Conflict is actually great time for couples to grow and sharpen communication skills. However, human nature often pops up during these times and pride rears its ugly head. Pride takes our ugliness and paints it as justifiable. Pride makes us defensive and we begin to find fault in our partner instead of looking inward to examine our own hearts. We find ourself becoming harsh and judgemental as we pick our partner apart piece by piece. Proverbs 16:18, tells us that, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” That is exactly what happens when we focus on the negative instead of working to find compromise.

So how do we prevent this?

Couples have to make a decision to resolve conflict when it begins. This is where communication comes in. The ability to communicate well is important in any relationship, but it is vital in marriage. The lack of communication leads to issues being swept under the rug. As a result, anger and hostility builds, opening the door for uglier arguments.

Listening is a tool that builds communication. Everyone needs to be heard. When we listen to our partner, trust builds. Our individual personalities are what attracted us to each other, however, we often become angry when our partner does not see everything the way we do. Listening to their perspective and not judging because it differs from our own is a key element to good communication. Intentionally setting time aside at least twice a month to talk is the perfect way to keep these arguments at bay. The more we communicate the more safe we begin to feel. As this happens, the fear to reveal ourselves gradually dissipates.

When to get help

At times couples find themselves in a complete breakdown in communication. When this happens, seek help from a professional counselor. Counseling will help you get your relationship back on track. I have seen many marriages healed when couples are willing to do the work required to open the lines of communication.

Relationships and Core Needs

by Susan Amaya | Nov 15, 2018 | Marriage, Relationships

The key to a successful relationship lies in our willingness to meet each others core needs. If we are unable to meet each others needs, the relationship cannot thrive. Unmet needs lead to our relationships becoming problem focused and the love that brought us together begins to take a back seat. This leads us to having a negative perspective of our relationship; slowly bringing disconnect.

What are core needs?

Core needs in marriage consist of feeling safe with each other, loving and respecting each other. To feel safe with each other, you take care of and provide comfort to one another. You create a home, have financial security, mutual trust, mutual honesty, protect one another physically, mentally and emotionally, and create an abuse-free environment within the marriage. Mutual love is an obvious requirement to have a marriage that operates from this level. Kindness, compassion, companionship, intimacy, affection and sex are also important factors here. When all or most of these needs are being met mutual respect for each other comes naturally. Spouses can support each other to reach respective goals. Each can sacrifice their own needs, to a healthy degree, for the bigger picture. Thee couples have maturity, they maintain a healthy balance and each feels a sense of fulfillment in life.

Disagreements will happen

All couples have disagreements; that is inevitable. When we are going through those hard times we have to remind ourselves of the reasons we fell in love with our partner and the things we admire about them. It is crucial to be willing to accept their flaws, just as we want them to accept ours. When we stay in a state of criticism, negativity dominates and begins to overshadow our positive memories and feelings. Think of your relationship and the things you can do to begin to get back on track. How do we get back on track when we have gone over the cliff? I will talk about that in my next post on communication!

Lets Talk About Boundaries

by Susan Amaya | Oct 20, 2018 | Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage

Boundaries are Important

Boundaries in relationships are important. But what are boundaries, and why are they important? According to Drs.Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote the New York Times bestselling book Boundaries, they are the personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot think of a better definition. Boundaries in relationships are not hard to understand, but they are very hard to maintain. They are the words and actions that we use to communicate NO or STOP to others. We all know our need for them, so why do most of us struggle with them?

Fear and self-doubt contribute to the lack of boundaries in relationships

I believe most of our struggles with boundaries in relationships stem from self-doubt. Often, we would rather tolerate the pain that comes from a lack of boundaries, than to face the possibility of rejection. The overwhelming fear of disconnection can be so real that saying no is incredibly difficult. Saying no gives us a perceived fear of rejection.

It is a common misconception that responding to everyone’s demands, and putting other’s needs first, makes us compassionate and generous. We all want to feel worthy of love and respect. However, constantly giving in to people’s requests can lead to us feeling resentful. It may also lead to them becoming needy. The lack of boundaries in relationships gives others permission to take you for granted because you do not know how to say “no.” The fear of conflict and displeasing others, allows people to step all over you, only making matters worse. People without boundaries struggle to make value-based decisions on their own, and they most often reflect the wishes of those around them. When we fail to draw boundaries, we fail to take care of ourselves. Setting boundaries in relationships means valuing and treasuring our souls. And whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard.

Where it is difficult for you to set boundaries in relationships and why?

Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries?

How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?

Do you always make yourself available? (e.g. do you answer the phone no matter what’s going on?)

Try to self-reflect without judging yourself. We can only change what we are aware of. These questions are meant to help you move towards a healthier, happier you.

And stay tuned for part two of this blog post, where we will focus on how to begin making changes in your life that will point you towards positive change.

Freedom in Transparency

by Susan Amaya | Sep 25, 2018 | Accountability, Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage, Overcoming Anxiety

There is FREEDOM in Transparency

Why do we hide so easily?
FEAR. The fear of rejection, judgment, the consequences of honest and of losing a relationship.

Healthy decisions are never made in fear.

Andy Stanley says that “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

Most of us don’t want to be hidden or deceptive, but we fall into those patterns. Relationships are hard. We are all trying to balance work and life, while managing careers, raising children, and paying bills, at the same time. Our personal interactions have become increasingly transactional as we just live day in and day out with no sense of real purpose. Conflicts and power struggles color our daily lives. We hide from our spouse, our friends and ourselves, concealing our real thoughts and feelings, and manipulate situations to achieve our desired outcomes. When we have no transparency we have no freedom.

It sounds draining, and downright depressing, doesn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. We can choose a different path, one that will lead to a more fulfilling life. There is freedom in being real. What does that look like? Well, it starts with accountability. That means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires regarding the issues in your life. This is what transparency looks like.

There is accountability in transparency

Accountability is a word we often hear thrown around in Christian circles. It sounds spiritual enough, and that is the problem. Sounding “spiritual” doesn’t really matter in the long run, does it? I believe that most of the time we try so hard to do what seems to be right that we completely miss the mark. Accountability is a great thing if we are really doing it. However, just sharing enough to appear transparent is, in fact, exhausting.

There is fear in wanting to be known. The knot in your stomach that begins to tighten as you contemplate if they really know you, will they reject you? Real relationships can only exist with raw honesty. Transparency has to be intentional. Many times it seems like one step forward and 10 steps back as you make the bold decision to share and then step back into the shadows for a bit, wondering if it is worth the risk.

When learning to be transparent, ask yourself a few questions.

Am I being honest with myself?

Sometimes the easiest person to deceive is ourselves. However, if we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest with others? Take a few minutes and ask yourself hard questions. What is your truth? Before you can move forward you have to commit to being honest with yourself.

Am I trying to protect myself or someone else by sharing only partial truths?

It is easy to convince ourselves that telling the whole truth will only hurt someone else, or ruin a relationship. Often, truth does bring hurt, however it is necessary for healing. Setting a broken bone is excruciatingly painful, but in order for it to heal it has to be done.

Am I exaggerating the truth or twisting the facts to make myself look better?

Be true to yourself and better relationships will follow

Being honest often leaves us feeling the need to defend ourselves. We may exaggerate the truth or skip over parts that make us look less than perfect. In the end, this just makes things worse. Focusing on making ourselves look more “put together” or “spiritual” is probably what got us here in the first place.

If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships and that’s going to make your relationships more fulfilling. That is living in transparency.