Attachment Styles Determine our Relationships

by Susan Amaya | Sep 18, 2022 | Freedom, Mental Health, Overcoming Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Attachment styles determine our relationships.In early childhood attachments form and subsequently set the stage for who we choose in romantic relationships. However, not only our romantic relationships are determined by our attachment style, all of our relationships are. Therefore it is important to learn about our attachment styles so we can have more secure and happy life.

Attachment styles are passed down through generations

Attachment styles are passed down through generations of families. We spend most of our childhood with parents, grandparents or whomever raises us; therefore, their attachment styles pass down to us.

A secure attachment style forms through the healthy bond between children and their caregivers. The caregivers meet their children’s needs and therefore the child forms healthy expectations about their world and the people in it.

This outlook has a significant impact on many other areas of the child’s life; from how willing they are to explore their environment, to how they socialize with other children and adults, and even to how they behave in adult relationships.

The attachment style a of child develops by the age of two, so it is important to understand that once the attachment style is set, behavior patterns are established. These behavior patterns can be changed but unfortunately, only three out of four people will ever seek help to make changes. We can take action to heal an insecure attachment and as a result ensure that we don’t pass on the same traits to future generations.

However, attachment styles and behavior patterns can be changed with realization and healing. When we understand how our attachment styes determine our relationships, we can make positive change and as a result future generations do not have to carry on destructive behavior patterns. The trauma from previous generations can be stopped!

There are four adult attachment styles that determine our relationships:

Anxious, also referred to as Preoccupied.
Avoidant, also referred to as Dismissive.
Disorganized, also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant
Secure, otherwise known as healthy

Your attachment style does not have to be resolute. You can learn to attach more securely by overcoming deep-rooted attachment issues,and consequently reducing the impact of insecurities, and childhood trauma

In the next post, we will learn about the different types of attachment and how each attachment style determines our relationships.

After the Divorce

by Susan Amaya | Jan 18, 2019 | Divorce, Freedom, Marriage

The Aftermath of Divorce

The aftermath of divorce can leave even the strongest person reeling. Divorce often brings new worries, responsibilities and self-doubts. Many of these changes can bring on a sense of overwhelm and even bitterness. Recovery takes a conscious effort so that you can move on with a fulfilling life full of purpose.

Losses Must be Grieved

It’s important to understand that regardless of the circumstances surrounding a divorce, there is grieving to be done. Some things are tangible losses and others are not as easy to identify, like time away from children when they are with the other parent or the loss of the dream of growing old together. It’s important not to bury these feelings and forgo the grieving process. It’s necessary for healing. But it’s equally important not to become your own worst enemy and allow yourself to become stuck in a pit of bitterness.

Support is Important

In order to navigate the grief process and move away from resentment and bitterness, you must have a strong support system in place. Friends and family often mean well, but they can also unknowingly encourage the negativity often associated with divorce. Seeking professional help or a support group can help move you from bitterness to purpose. Rediscovering your identity will be a vital component of your recovery. Remember the positive qualities that make you unique.Forgiveness will also be part of the process. For you to gain freedom from the past, you have to forgive. Life can look and feel very different post divorce. A divorce is painful, but you do not have to stay in that dark place.

Love Languages

by Susan Amaya | Dec 12, 2018 | Freedom, Honesty, Marriage

Love Languages. These two words are tossed around when talking about marriage and relationships. Yet, we often do not give our partner’s love language the attention required. Why are love languages so important? Because our love language is the way we are wired to receive love.

It is rare that partners share the same love language. Knowing and speaking your partner’s love language opens up the doors of communication and can literally take your love to a whole new level. Think about what is important to you. Does it make you happier to have your hand held in public, or to receive a gift? Are you most content when you share time together doing a hobby or when having sex? More than likely, you spend your time with your partner doing the things that make you happy. Consider that their answers to those questions are the exact opposite of yours. Imagine if your spouse knew the answers to those and other questions about your inner being? What if they knew the things that made you the happiest? Imagine if you were privy to the same things about them. There would be less mind reading, less trying with no success, and less frustration. Learning each others love language takes time and effort on both parts. But, this is one of the easiest and most practical ways to increase happiness in marriage.

Gary Chapman is the author of The 5 Love Languages. I challenge you to go over to his site and take the free quiz. I promise it is time well spent and you just may turn things around quicker than you thought possible. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Lets Talk About Boundaries

by Susan Amaya | Oct 20, 2018 | Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage

Boundaries are Important

Boundaries in relationships are important. But what are boundaries, and why are they important? According to Drs.Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote the New York Times bestselling book Boundaries, they are the personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot think of a better definition. Boundaries in relationships are not hard to understand, but they are very hard to maintain. They are the words and actions that we use to communicate NO or STOP to others. We all know our need for them, so why do most of us struggle with them?

Fear and self-doubt contribute to the lack of boundaries in relationships

I believe most of our struggles with boundaries in relationships stem from self-doubt. Often, we would rather tolerate the pain that comes from a lack of boundaries, than to face the possibility of rejection. The overwhelming fear of disconnection can be so real that saying no is incredibly difficult. Saying no gives us a perceived fear of rejection.

It is a common misconception that responding to everyone’s demands, and putting other’s needs first, makes us compassionate and generous. We all want to feel worthy of love and respect. However, constantly giving in to people’s requests can lead to us feeling resentful. It may also lead to them becoming needy. The lack of boundaries in relationships gives others permission to take you for granted because you do not know how to say “no.” The fear of conflict and displeasing others, allows people to step all over you, only making matters worse. People without boundaries struggle to make value-based decisions on their own, and they most often reflect the wishes of those around them. When we fail to draw boundaries, we fail to take care of ourselves. Setting boundaries in relationships means valuing and treasuring our souls. And whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard.

Where it is difficult for you to set boundaries in relationships and why?

Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries?

How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?

Do you always make yourself available? (e.g. do you answer the phone no matter what’s going on?)

Try to self-reflect without judging yourself. We can only change what we are aware of. These questions are meant to help you move towards a healthier, happier you.

And stay tuned for part two of this blog post, where we will focus on how to begin making changes in your life that will point you towards positive change.

Freedom in Transparency

by Susan Amaya | Sep 25, 2018 | Accountability, Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage, Overcoming Anxiety

There is FREEDOM in Transparency

Why do we hide so easily?
FEAR. The fear of rejection, judgment, the consequences of honest and of losing a relationship.

Healthy decisions are never made in fear.

Andy Stanley says that “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

Most of us don’t want to be hidden or deceptive, but we fall into those patterns. Relationships are hard. We are all trying to balance work and life, while managing careers, raising children, and paying bills, at the same time. Our personal interactions have become increasingly transactional as we just live day in and day out with no sense of real purpose. Conflicts and power struggles color our daily lives. We hide from our spouse, our friends and ourselves, concealing our real thoughts and feelings, and manipulate situations to achieve our desired outcomes. When we have no transparency we have no freedom.

It sounds draining, and downright depressing, doesn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. We can choose a different path, one that will lead to a more fulfilling life. There is freedom in being real. What does that look like? Well, it starts with accountability. That means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires regarding the issues in your life. This is what transparency looks like.

There is accountability in transparency

Accountability is a word we often hear thrown around in Christian circles. It sounds spiritual enough, and that is the problem. Sounding “spiritual” doesn’t really matter in the long run, does it? I believe that most of the time we try so hard to do what seems to be right that we completely miss the mark. Accountability is a great thing if we are really doing it. However, just sharing enough to appear transparent is, in fact, exhausting.

There is fear in wanting to be known. The knot in your stomach that begins to tighten as you contemplate if they really know you, will they reject you? Real relationships can only exist with raw honesty. Transparency has to be intentional. Many times it seems like one step forward and 10 steps back as you make the bold decision to share and then step back into the shadows for a bit, wondering if it is worth the risk.

When learning to be transparent, ask yourself a few questions.

Am I being honest with myself?

Sometimes the easiest person to deceive is ourselves. However, if we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest with others? Take a few minutes and ask yourself hard questions. What is your truth? Before you can move forward you have to commit to being honest with yourself.

Am I trying to protect myself or someone else by sharing only partial truths?

It is easy to convince ourselves that telling the whole truth will only hurt someone else, or ruin a relationship. Often, truth does bring hurt, however it is necessary for healing. Setting a broken bone is excruciatingly painful, but in order for it to heal it has to be done.

Am I exaggerating the truth or twisting the facts to make myself look better?

Be true to yourself and better relationships will follow

Being honest often leaves us feeling the need to defend ourselves. We may exaggerate the truth or skip over parts that make us look less than perfect. In the end, this just makes things worse. Focusing on making ourselves look more “put together” or “spiritual” is probably what got us here in the first place.

If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships and that’s going to make your relationships more fulfilling. That is living in transparency.

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