Lets Talk About Boundaries

by Susan Amaya | Oct 20, 2018 | Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage

Boundaries are Important

Boundaries in relationships are important. But what are boundaries, and why are they important? According to Drs.Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote the New York Times bestselling book Boundaries, they are the personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot think of a better definition. Boundaries in relationships are not hard to understand, but they are very hard to maintain. They are the words and actions that we use to communicate NO or STOP to others. We all know our need for them, so why do most of us struggle with them?

Fear and self-doubt contribute to the lack of boundaries in relationships

I believe most of our struggles with boundaries in relationships stem from self-doubt. Often, we would rather tolerate the pain that comes from a lack of boundaries, than to face the possibility of rejection. The overwhelming fear of disconnection can be so real that saying no is incredibly difficult. Saying no gives us a perceived fear of rejection.

It is a common misconception that responding to everyone’s demands, and putting other’s needs first, makes us compassionate and generous. We all want to feel worthy of love and respect. However, constantly giving in to people’s requests can lead to us feeling resentful. It may also lead to them becoming needy. The lack of boundaries in relationships gives others permission to take you for granted because you do not know how to say “no.” The fear of conflict and displeasing others, allows people to step all over you, only making matters worse. People without boundaries struggle to make value-based decisions on their own, and they most often reflect the wishes of those around them. When we fail to draw boundaries, we fail to take care of ourselves. Setting boundaries in relationships means valuing and treasuring our souls. And whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard.

Where it is difficult for you to set boundaries in relationships and why?

Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries?

How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?

Do you always make yourself available? (e.g. do you answer the phone no matter what’s going on?)

Try to self-reflect without judging yourself. We can only change what we are aware of. These questions are meant to help you move towards a healthier, happier you.

And stay tuned for part two of this blog post, where we will focus on how to begin making changes in your life that will point you towards positive change.

Freedom in Transparency

by Susan Amaya | Sep 25, 2018 | Accountability, Boundaries, Freedom, Honesty, Marriage, Overcoming Anxiety

There is FREEDOM in Transparency

Why do we hide so easily?
FEAR. The fear of rejection, judgment, the consequences of honest and of losing a relationship.

Healthy decisions are never made in fear.

Andy Stanley says that “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

Most of us don’t want to be hidden or deceptive, but we fall into those patterns. Relationships are hard. We are all trying to balance work and life, while managing careers, raising children, and paying bills, at the same time. Our personal interactions have become increasingly transactional as we just live day in and day out with no sense of real purpose. Conflicts and power struggles color our daily lives. We hide from our spouse, our friends and ourselves, concealing our real thoughts and feelings, and manipulate situations to achieve our desired outcomes. When we have no transparency we have no freedom.

It sounds draining, and downright depressing, doesn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. We can choose a different path, one that will lead to a more fulfilling life. There is freedom in being real. What does that look like? Well, it starts with accountability. That means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires regarding the issues in your life. This is what transparency looks like.

There is accountability in transparency

Accountability is a word we often hear thrown around in Christian circles. It sounds spiritual enough, and that is the problem. Sounding “spiritual” doesn’t really matter in the long run, does it? I believe that most of the time we try so hard to do what seems to be right that we completely miss the mark. Accountability is a great thing if we are really doing it. However, just sharing enough to appear transparent is, in fact, exhausting.

There is fear in wanting to be known. The knot in your stomach that begins to tighten as you contemplate if they really know you, will they reject you? Real relationships can only exist with raw honesty. Transparency has to be intentional. Many times it seems like one step forward and 10 steps back as you make the bold decision to share and then step back into the shadows for a bit, wondering if it is worth the risk.

When learning to be transparent, ask yourself a few questions.

Am I being honest with myself?

Sometimes the easiest person to deceive is ourselves. However, if we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest with others? Take a few minutes and ask yourself hard questions. What is your truth? Before you can move forward you have to commit to being honest with yourself.

Am I trying to protect myself or someone else by sharing only partial truths?

It is easy to convince ourselves that telling the whole truth will only hurt someone else, or ruin a relationship. Often, truth does bring hurt, however it is necessary for healing. Setting a broken bone is excruciatingly painful, but in order for it to heal it has to be done.

Am I exaggerating the truth or twisting the facts to make myself look better?

Be true to yourself and better relationships will follow

Being honest often leaves us feeling the need to defend ourselves. We may exaggerate the truth or skip over parts that make us look less than perfect. In the end, this just makes things worse. Focusing on making ourselves look more “put together” or “spiritual” is probably what got us here in the first place.

If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships and that’s going to make your relationships more fulfilling. That is living in transparency.