Boundaries are Important
Boundaries in relationships are important. But what are boundaries, and why are they important? According to Drs.Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote the New York Times bestselling book Boundaries, they are the personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot think of a better definition. Boundaries in relationships are not hard to understand, but they are very hard to maintain. They are the words and actions that we use to communicate NO or STOP to others. We all know our need for them, so why do most of us struggle with them?
Fear and self-doubt contribute to the lack of boundaries in relationships
I believe most of our struggles with boundaries in relationships stem from self-doubt. Often, we would rather tolerate the pain that comes from a lack of boundaries, than to face the possibility of rejection. The overwhelming fear of disconnection can be so real that saying no is incredibly difficult. Saying no gives us a perceived fear of rejection.
It is a common misconception that responding to everyone’s demands, and putting other’s needs first, makes us compassionate and generous. We all want to feel worthy of love and respect. However, constantly giving in to people’s requests can lead to us feeling resentful. It may also lead to them becoming needy. The lack of boundaries in relationships gives others permission to take you for granted because you do not know how to say “no.” The fear of conflict and displeasing others, allows people to step all over you, only making matters worse. People without boundaries struggle to make value-based decisions on their own, and they most often reflect the wishes of those around them. When we fail to draw boundaries, we fail to take care of ourselves. Setting boundaries in relationships means valuing and treasuring our souls. And whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard.
Where it is difficult for you to set boundaries in relationships and why?
Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries?
How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?
Do you always make yourself available? (e.g. do you answer the phone no matter what’s going on?)
Try to self-reflect without judging yourself. We can only change what we are aware of. These questions are meant to help you move towards a healthier, happier you.
And stay tuned for part two of this blog post, where we will focus on how to begin making changes in your life that will point you towards positive change.