Effective Communication

by Susan Amaya | Jun 5, 2024 | Relationships

Effective communication is essential for building a strong and lasting relationship, particularly in romantic partnerships that are closely intertwined. Understanding each other’s communication styles and practicing assertive, respectful, and compassionate communication can enhance the connection between partners, prevent conflicts, and strengthen the bond over time. Below are some different communication techniques that can help improve the resilience and connection in your relationship.

1. Active Listening

When people engage in conversation, their focus is often on formulating their next response or preparing to counter the other person’s argument. This pattern frequently leads to misunderstandings and the potential for conflicts to intensify.

Couples who practice active listening can enhance their communication skills, leading to more effective interactions. Active listening requires full attention and understanding of your partner’s words.

Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention and refraining from preparing a response in your mind. Instead, truly engage with their thoughts and emotions. Demonstrate your attentiveness through nods and encouraging phrases like “I understand” or “Tell me more”.

By actively listening, you show your partner that you respect their perspective and are willing to understand where they are coming from. This leads to fewer misunderstandings and creates a safe environment for meaningful conversations as a couple to address any issues when they arise.

Example:

Does this ever happen in your conversations?

Partner 1: “I don’t understand why you don’t want to come with to the beach with my family.”

Partner 2: “I’m really busy at work, and I have already missed from being sick. It stresses me out to take more time off. I’m concerned about our bills and losing my job if I miss too much.”

Partner 1: “You’re always putting work first, before our relationship, before everything.”

Partner 2: “That’s not true or fair. I went with you to the family reunion last month, because it was important to you, even though I had to take PTO.”

In this example, Partner 1 is not actively listening to Partner 2 because they are quick to dismiss Partner 2’s concerns about missing work and risking their job. Partner 2, on the other hand, is focusing on their own perspective rather than trying to understand what Partner 1 is saying. A better way to approach this conversation would be for Partner 1 to listen to Partner 2’s concerns about work, and for Partner 2 to try to see things from Partner 1’s perspective about the importance of spending time with family.

2. Express Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.

Empathy is one of the most important components of effective communication. When your partner expresses their concerns or feelings, be intentional in trying to understand their perspective. Validate their emotions by acknowledging how they feel. Without empathy, we feel dismissed.

Example:

Saying “I can understand why that upset you” or “I would feel the same way if I were in your position” will help your partner feel heard and supported. Empathy fosters a deeper connection and helps in resolving conflicts more effectively. When one partner is able to understand and appreciate the other’s perspective, the bond between the couple grows stronger.

3. “I” Statements

Sometimes, couples have trouble communicating authentically with each other because they use blame or attack language. This can cause escalation of already tense situations or hurt feelings.

Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can make a significant difference in communication. “You” statements can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive.

On the other hand, “I” statements express your feelings without blaming or attacking your partner.

Example:

Does this sound familiar?

Partner 1: “You’re always leaving dishes in the sink. This kitchen is a mess!”

Partner 2: “That’s not true, I clean up when I use the kitchen.”

Partner 1: “Well this morning left your dishes in the sink again.”

Partner 2: “Can you give me a break. I had a doctors appointment early this morning.”

In this example, both partners are using “you” statements that put each other on the defensive. If Partner 1 were to use an “I” statement, the conversation may go differently.

For example, instead of Partner 1 saying, “You’re always leaving the kitchen a wreck,” He could say, “I feel frustrated when I come home and the kitchen is a mess.” This allows Partner 2 to understand the impact their actions have on Partner 1 without feeling attacked or defensive.

4. Take a Time Out

Sometime emotions run high and you are no longer able to express yourself or hear what your partner is saying. This is called flooding and when you reach this point it is time to take a break. Continuing when you are flooded is opening the door for more hurtful words and it ultimately causes destruction.

When emotions are high, wisdom is low! This is true in all situations. This is your signal that it is time to take a break, cool down and gather your thoughts. It is helpful to come up with a phrase that indicates the need for a break. It is imperative that both partners respect this request for a time out. Refusing to allow your partner to take time is a form of emotional abuse, and it is bullying behavior.

When you have had time to calm down, come back together to discuss the issue.

Taking a time-out prevents arguments from escalating and allows both partners to approach the conversation with a clearer and calmer perspective. It is crucial to remind each other that it’s always about resolving the issue, not winning the argument.

Example:

Consider the following scenario:

Partner 1: “I can’t believe you forgot our date night again.”

Partner 2: “I didn’t forget. I just have a lot going on and it slipped my mind.”

Partner 1: “You always justify everything. You never make our relationship a priority.”

Partner 2: “That’s not true. I wish you understood that I’m really busy.”

In this example, the argument is becoming heated, and both partners are becoming defensive. One or both partners need to take a time-out to cool down and process their thoughts. A time-out would allow them to come back to the conversation when they are both in a better head space.

Effective communication is crucial for a healthy and happy relationship. By practicing active listening, using “I” statements, expressing empathy, and taking time-outs, couples can build better communication skills and strengthen their relationship. Communication effort and practice throughout our entire lifetime, but it’s always worth it. Practicing these effective communication techniques, couples can create a stronger connection and improve the quality of their relationship.

If your relationship is facing communication challenges, consider making an appointment with one of our relationship specialists.

Emotional & Sexual Infidelity

by Susan Amaya | May 21, 2024 | Betrayal

Infidelity shakes the very core of trust in a relationship, creating a ripple effect of uncertainty and heartbreak. An affair can range from an emotional connection to a physical relationship.
An emotional affair begins when a deep emotional bond with someone outside of your relationship develops, making them your most trusted confidant and soul mate. You begin sharing intimate details of your life with them and suddenly realize that you are falling in love. It is usually only a matter of time before it turns sexual. A sexual affair is when there’s sexual contact. Sometimes sexual affairs are just sexual, with no emotional connection. Emotional affairs can be harder to overcome than one night stands due to the emotional attachment involved. Emotional affairs create a strong bond that is difficult to sever, while one night stands involve minimal attachment, making it simpler to move forward.

All forms of are traumatic to the marriage. The partner who has been betrayed often experiences symptoms similar to PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to the overwhelming pain and loss of control. Symptoms can include intrusive thoughts, irritability, panic attacks, flashbacks, feelings of numbness, etc.

If and affair has rocked your marriage, we have trained therapist who can help you navigate through the process of healing.

What is an Emotional Affair?

by Susan Amaya | May 20, 2024 | Betrayal

How does an emotional affair begin?

For Jenna, it all started when she finally created an Instagram account. Jenna’s friends had been asking her to set up an account for years, however, she was intimidated by large numbers of followers her friends had and felt she wouldn’t have as many. You can see that Jenna’s feelings of low self-worth were there before she even created the first post. Jenna finally set up an account, adding old friends from high school, family, neighbors, and some current friends of her and her husband, Tony.

in just a few weeks, she had reconnected with most of her old high school friends. Her previous boyfriend Allen, was one of these new connections.

Jenna found herself spending hours looking at posted pictures of Allen and his family. She began comparing him to her husband, Tony. In her eyes, Allen had taken care of himself and was successful, while Tony had led himself go, and become complacent with his appearance and his desire to move forward in his career. The more Jenna compared Tony to Allen, the more she discovered things about Tony that she didn’t like.

Jenna decided to send Allen a private message, asking how he was. She convinced herself it was all innocent. When Allen responded that he was excited to connect with her and started reminiscing about their past, Jenna felt herself swept away by memories she thought she had long forgotten.

Jenna told Allen things about her family, even Tony, telling herself that by talking about her husband she was maintaining a safe boundary.

Before Jenna realized it their messaging went from once a week, to daily, to all day, everyday.

They interactions seemed fairly innocent as they talked about their families, their kids, their jobs, and they struggles of married life. As the days and weeks progressed, their messages became more intimate. They became better friends. Suddenly, they realized they knew alot about each other, they became best friends.

It wasn’t long before they both believed that their love was rekindled.

They talked about how bad their marriages were and how they both felt stuck. They talked about how their feelings for each other were growing, but both agreed they couldn’t “act” on it. They didn’t realize that they already had..

One day when Jenna left her phone on the table and Tony saw a message from Allen pop up.

Tony clicked on the message and suddenly saw ten months of daily dialogue between Jenna and Allen.

As Tony read through the messages, he felt shocked and betrayed. He was very hurt by the things Jenna said about him. Did she really see him this way? Was this who he had become? He cried as he read through the messages, and he realized not only how in love Jenna was with Allen, but how lonely she was in their marriage.

Recovering from the emotional affair

Jenna and Tony decided that they wanted to work on their relationship. They did not want this to destroy their marriage. They decided to see marriage counseling and committed to put in the work to save their marriage and family.

Working with a therapist, they realized certain things had to happen in order for them to recover.

The first was Jenna had to cut ties with Allen immediately.

Second, Jenna and Tony were guided in how to work on meeting each other’s needs. The therapist helped them implement small things into their marriage to help them feel connected.

Connecting in small ways helped meet Jenna’s deep need for more frequent communication and affection that Tony did not even realize she was desperate for. This began to build a deep, emotional connection between them that they had long ago lost.

Jenna learned that Tony needed more words of affirmation from her, This was hard for her but her compliments became genuine as they became more emotionally connected.

Nurturing the Marriage

In learning how to nurture their marriage, they set other boundaries to protect against future affairs and to re-build trust in their relationship

It took time, but Tony came to completely forgive Jenna, and Jenna regained his trust.

If your marriage has been effected by an emotional affair, please reach out for help. Our therapists are ready to help!

What is Play Therapy

by Susan Amaya | May 19, 2024 | children's therapy

What is Play Therapy

IS YOUR CHILD STRUGGLING?

ARE THEY ACTING OUT IN WAYS YOU HAVEN’T SEEN BEFORE?

ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR AT HOME, AT SCHOOL, OR WITH THEIR FRIENDS?

Play Therapy is described as “a dynamic interpersonal relationship between a child and a therapist trained in play therapy procedures who provides selected play materials and facilitates the development of a safe relationship for the child to fully express and explore self (feelings, thoughts, experiences, and behaviors) through play, the child’s natural medium of communication, for optimal growth and development.”

In other words, play therapy is to children what talk therapy is to adults. It’s helpful to think of the toys as words. Your child will express themselves and the things they cannot say by playing. Their play therapist will observe them and play with them to learn more about what’s going on and how to best help them overcome the challenges they’re experiencing. Then, through play therapy, your child can learn to problem-solve and change their behavior.

What Happens in Play Therapy?

Play therapy involves the use of toys, puzzles, art, sand and many other things to encourage interaction between the child and the therapist.

A play therapist may use a non-directive approach or a directive approach depending on the need and on the age of the client. Usually, when the client is younger, the therapist will let the child lead the play as the therapist observes. With an older child, it is common for the therapist to take the lead. The therapist will work with you by the use of books, art, puppets, role-play, etc. to help your child make progress in expressing their emotions and learn new communication skills.

Who could benefit from play therapy?

Any child could benefit from play therapy since it’s a safe way for a child to express themselves. Play Therapy can be used as a treatment for several circumstances:

Anxiety
Depression
Emotional dysregulation
Displaying anger inappropriately
Life transitions such as divorce or moving
Family concerns
School behavior issues
Problematic behaviors from ADHD and/or Autism
Social issues
Grief
Abuse
Trauma

How does play therapy work?

A play therapist meets the child on their level. To make your child to feel more comfortable and to build rapport the therapist will spend a few sessions getting to know the child so they do not feel pressures. Their therapist will play alongside them and observe their interactions. Your child will be more willing to talk through the toys then with words. Child therapist take detailed notes on the emotions they see played out in front of them. As your child becomes more comfortable they will begin to share their thoughts and feelings. When the therapist discovers the root cause of your child’s behaviors, a treatment plan will be written and parenting strategies offered.

Is there parent involvement?

A separate time will be scheduled for you to get feedback, discuss behaviors and parenting strategies. Often, the therapist will invite the parent/s into the session to teach strategies and coping skills that your child can implement at home. A team effort is crucial from all parties, for the child to progress.

The Pain of Betrayal

by Susan Amaya | May 19, 2024 | Betrayal

Navigating the Pain of Infidelity

Betrayal runs deep with infidelity, tearing at the very foundation of a relationship. At Rekindled Hope Counseling Services, we acknowledge the emotional upheaval, lasting psychological impact, and widespread relational effects it leaves in its wake. Our skilled therapists are dedicated to offering a caring, supportive, and secure environment for healing, building resilience, and fostering positive transformations through couples therapy.

Upon learning about a partner’s infidelity, a storm of intense emotions is typically unleashed. From intense anxiety and fear to trouble sleeping and significant mood swings, the aftermath can be overwhelmingly distressing. Some individuals may even grapple with drastic changes in their eating habits or bouts of emotional volatility. The semblance to symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is not coincidental; betrayal and infidelity can indeed trigger a form of trauma.

We want you to know that your reactions, as chaotic and painful as they might be, are normal and justified. Betrayal violates the trust that forms the backbone of your relationship, leading to emotional wounds akin to physical injuries. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your unique response in this scenario.

The Healing Power of Therapy

Betrayal can seemingly rip apart the fabric of your relationship, but it doesn’t have to signal its end. At Rekindled Hope Counseling Services, we specialize in helping you as individuals and as a couple navigate the complex emotions following infidelity.

Our experienced team fosters a nurturing, healing environment that encourages open and honest communication during couples therapy. Through this collaborative process, we guide you in exploring the emotional and psychological consequences of the betrayal, understanding their impacts, and learning how to rebuild trust. We take an integrative, holistic approach that not only helps heal the immediate wounds but also aims to transform the relationship into a more resilient and understanding union.

Children & Divorce

by Susan Amaya | May 19, 2024 | Uncategorized

Child Therapy is Crucial in Divorce

Experiencing a divorce can be incredibly challenging for children, igniting fears and triggering heightened anxiety as the family dynamic undergoes a significant shift. Adapting to new living arrangements or schools amidst their parents’ separation can be particularly tough for children, resulting in increased levels of aggression, separation anxiety, and negative impacts on their social and academic performance. This can further elevate stress levels for children who are already struggling with anxiety or mood disorders and can initiate anxiety-related concerns in children who do not normally have them.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce

When parents divorce, their children often react by showing:

Regressive behaviors (bedwetting, tantrums, thumb sucking, refusing to go to bed)
Rebellious behaviors (anger, disobedience, or (in an older child) disregard for the parents)
Increased episodes of crying or whining
Feel “sick” when they are healthy or becoming clingy
Separation anxiety
Blaming themselves for the divorce

The following are some ways that you, as a parent, can help diffuse some of the tension and child anxiety when going through a divorce:

Respect your child’s feelings and encourage them to talk to you about their fears. You may not have all the answers, but sometimes just listening and being supportive to your child can be enough.
Remember that your child has lost something, too. They have lost their time with one parent when they are with the other parent and, in many cases, have lost their familiar surroundings, peers, and maybe even a beloved pet or best friend.
Reassure your child that, no matter what, you love them now and will always love them. Be sure they understand that the divorce was not their fault and that there is nothing they could have done to prevent it.
Try to keep the same routines for bedtime, homework, play time, etc. New routines might need to be added (for example: going to the other parent’s house every Friday night), but keeping as close as possible to the same schedule helps children feel secure. It lets them know what to expect.
Rituals also create a sense of safety for your child. A family ritual such as “game night” creates an anchor for your child and gives them a sense of familiarity and a way to relate within their new world.

If your family is going through divorce, reach out and let us help!

Attachment Styles Determine our Relationships

by Susan Amaya | Sep 18, 2022 | Freedom, Mental Health, Overcoming Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Attachment styles determine our relationships.In early childhood attachments form and subsequently set the stage for who we choose in romantic relationships. However, not only our romantic relationships are determined by our attachment style, all of our relationships are. Therefore it is important to learn about our attachment styles so we can have more secure and happy life.

Attachment styles are passed down through generations

Attachment styles are passed down through generations of families. We spend most of our childhood with parents, grandparents or whomever raises us; therefore, their attachment styles pass down to us.

A secure attachment style forms through the healthy bond between children and their caregivers. The caregivers meet their children’s needs and therefore the child forms healthy expectations about their world and the people in it.

This outlook has a significant impact on many other areas of the child’s life; from how willing they are to explore their environment, to how they socialize with other children and adults, and even to how they behave in adult relationships.

The attachment style a of child develops by the age of two, so it is important to understand that once the attachment style is set, behavior patterns are established. These behavior patterns can be changed but unfortunately, only three out of four people will ever seek help to make changes. We can take action to heal an insecure attachment and as a result ensure that we don’t pass on the same traits to future generations.

However, attachment styles and behavior patterns can be changed with realization and healing. When we understand how our attachment styes determine our relationships, we can make positive change and as a result future generations do not have to carry on destructive behavior patterns. The trauma from previous generations can be stopped!

There are four adult attachment styles that determine our relationships:

Anxious, also referred to as Preoccupied.
Avoidant, also referred to as Dismissive.
Disorganized, also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant
Secure, otherwise known as healthy

Your attachment style does not have to be resolute. You can learn to attach more securely by overcoming deep-rooted attachment issues,and consequently reducing the impact of insecurities, and childhood trauma

In the next post, we will learn about the different types of attachment and how each attachment style determines our relationships.