A Pleasing Cup of Coffee

I spend an unhealthy amount of time drinking coffee and waxing philosophical with various friends at numerous coffee shops during a week.  Just yesterday I spent time with a new person, and we talked about all the pleasant things like jobs and families, favorite activities and hobbies, and preferred food and how we take our actual coffee.  However, eventually we settled into the heavier topic of the current state of their marriage.  Truthfully, I never know what rabbit hole a seemingly benign coffee date will take or where I will be left by its end.  This encounter did not disappoint, and I left a little brighter and a lot more curious than when I first sat at the roughly hewn table.

My newly acquired friend has come to the realization that she is a self-diagnosed people pleaser.  Upon her admission, I paused and considered what to say in the moment, wondering if she had picked up the new buzzword from the ticking time bomb of social media therapy or if she had become self-aware enough to see a pattern of harmful behavior. As the woman across from me started sharing things like:

“It doesn’t really matter to me where we eat dinner, so I just let him pick but he gets so aggravated lately when I do that.”

“I have a hard time telling people no because I don’t want to be selfish or hurt their feelings.”

“He doesn’t seem to want to talk about anything, so I don’t push it.”

“I figure if I don’t argue with him, he won’t storm out of the house again.”

“When I was a kid, my mom would go to the races with my dad.  I knew she hated it, so I asked her why she went all the time.  She laughed a little and said that it was just easier and that I would understand one day.  I thought that was how a wife was supposed to be; doing things just because it was easier.”

“I get angry because even when I don’t think something is my fault, or God forbid, I think something might upset you, I apologize.  It feels like I am constantly saying I am sorry. “

“What if I disagree with him and that is the last straw?  What if that is what makes him leave?”

“I usually just go with his ideas because my stuff usually goes wrong anyway.”

“I am so tired, exhausted.  I am always running around doing stuff for him and the group at church or our friends.  Oh.  I forgot; I also need to go by the store to pick something up for family dinner at his mom’s house. There is always something.”

With each statement, I understand how deeply this goes for her.  She is not trying on a designer label to fit in with the cool crowd or even trying to make it sound like she is a nice person.  She is tired.  She struggles to tell people she has limits.  She is not comfortable with boundaries.  Perhaps the hardest thing to hear is how disconnected she is from herself.  Even the book recommendation she has shared with me was a direct result of trying to help someone else with their issues.  When I asked her what type of books she would like to normally read, she laughed and told me she hadn’t thought about it.

I left our meeting happy to have a new friend, but my mind was whirling.  I was struck by so many things from our talk.  I wondered how many people confuse being good or nice to someone with the actions of people pleasing?  I am reminded of how many couples I am privileged to work with where one (or both) of the partners has lost the essence of who they are as individuals because it proves to be easier to give in.  Scarier still, I wonder how many of them have never learned who they are apart from what they can give to other people?

More than anything, I was reminded that I never know what someone is going through and it is important to be kind, even when it is not always pleasing.